Enough or not enough? More than enough
For many years I lived under an illusion that I was not enough So I drove myself to succeed where I could (and more quietly to avoid the situations where I wasn't sure I could succeed, but perhaps that's another story...) Eventually my perfectionist protective performance provided potential proof that I was enough compared to others. “Hell yeah!” I said quietly to myself from time to time But there was no proof. Because it wasn't true. Comparison is not a pathway to sufficiency or acceptance The old saying turns out to be true: Comparison remains the thief of joy.
For a few years there I lived under an illusion that I was enough. So I relied on my gifts and abilities. I tracked my accomplishments, Stacking them high enough that I can't see them all at once. Doing good and being good. Making the world a better place. “Hooray!” And then the ironic discovery came My external validation of being enough was sustenance for a hungry ghost My insecure ego, fearing desperately the possibility of not being enough for even a moment, was addicted to a buffet of validation and accomplishment Eating too fast to even taste. How could I feel so full and be so empty?
Clearly not by my own decisions or actions Probably not even by my own mindset or disposition I have learned that I can feel enough, and I am enough But not on my own. I am enough in the eyes of the Holy Spirit. Special just like every other child of God. A joke that used to make me laugh with insecurity Now makes me cry with joy. Lamenting the life lived within an illusion of solitude Embracing the gift of union with a loving Creator Hallelujah! I don't have to be enough because my Savior was, is, and always will be More than enough