“In each one of you there is a hidden being, still in the deep sleep of childhood. Bring it to life! In each one of you there is a call, a will, an impulse of nature, an impulse toward the future, the new, the higher. Let it mature, let it resound, nurture it! Your future is not this or that; it is not money or power, it is not wisdom or success at your trade — your future, your hard dangerous path is this: to mature and to find God in yourselves.”
-Herman Hesse, 1919
It is entirely possible that I have spent more time alone in the past 6 months than I have in the past 6 years.
In this solitude I have found far more than God in myself.
I have witnessed God all around me, above me, beneath me, within me.
God is Mother Earth and Father Sky, the Holy Spirit in the air I breathe.
To contain God in myself, or in any manner, is a laughable idea.
But to create space for myself to witness and be in relationship with God;
To better know that quiet part of me that reflect God's love;
This is the life and the seeking I choose.
There is a big difference between shallow wants and authentic desires. Sometimes there is also a big difference between what our mind thinks and what our body knows.
Yesterday evening my mind asked if I would like some snacks. Usually, like a polite host to my thoughts, I open a bag of crispy goodness and indulge.
But last night I chose not to. Perhaps for the first time, my body seemed to say, “No, thank you. No snacks for me.” I went to bed healthy with a belly void of empty snacks. My mind was a bit confused, and all was well.
This morning, on the other side of the continent, a dear friend woke up to make himself a celery juice instead of his usual beloved cup of coffee. After half a century of cherishing his morning latte, a recent shift in health now has him drinking celery juice. In case you're wondering, he hates celery juice almost as much as he loves coffee.
But a funny thing happened this morning. My friend found his mouth watering for celery juice. Even as his mind said, “this stuff is gross” his body said, “gimme gimme!” His mind was a bit confused at this turn of events, and all was well.
What is your body telling you that you might not hear clearly over the chatter of your mind?
Where are your shallow wants getting in the way of your authentic desires?
Life is constantly changing.
I am slightly gaining and losing weight.
My feelings change from moment to moment.
Somehow there is a pattern to it all on the surface that I call myself.
I don't fear change when I can see it.
If I can see the change then I know it's not me that is changing.
But what do I do when change threatens the patterns that I call myself?
The rate of change in my life becomes so strong that I can not avoid transformation.
Terrifying! The patterns I called myself are changing... is part of me dying?
As I struggle through the transformation, there is a deep sadness and pain in letting go of what used to be.
I grief the loss of a life I thought I would have, even if I no longer want it.
Perhaps this is because I am afraid of the pattern changing.
On the surface I fear that transforming my self means that part of me will be lost forever to a sort of death.
I breathe in, realizing that parts of me die and are reborn each and every day.
I take a closer look and see that that the surface pattern I called self is but a facade.
There is a deeper me, far beneath patterns of behavior and desire.
That instrinsic self, that true and faithful me, is unwavering.
Layers of surface and patterned self are slowly and painfully removed, making way for the part of me that knows God.
Yesterday you were you, and tomorrow you will be too.
Each day may feel the same, or each day may feel completely different.
Somehow you are you.
You have some identity, a truth, a being that does not go away.
Your doing can not undo this being.
On the cellular level your body sheds and regrows, from the neurons in your brain to the skin on your flesh.
And yet you are still you.
Food that you eat gets transformed into your energy, muscle, fat, and waste.
For a moment it is part of you, and then it is gone.
Air passes through your lungs.
For a moment it is part of you, and then it is gone.
Breathing in, you know who you are.
Even if just for a moment.
What is self?
Is it how I see myself, or how I am seen?
Could it be the sum total of my thoughts, feelings, desires and fears?
It is an illusion?
I believe that intrinsic self is the truth you and I have inside of us.
It was placed there before we had words by a higher power.
You might call it Spirit or the Universe or God.
This intrinsic self is unconditional, natural, and pure.
In our surface-level society we don't spend much time with the intrinsic self.
Our truth is often buried beneath stories, identities, masks, and behavior.
I can be very honest and vulnerable without coming close to my intrinsic self.
These days I am learning to be more honest and more vulnerable than ever by seeking the truth beneath the truth of who I really am.
Letting go of story and mythology, I am finding my faith and my conviction.
I am finding out who I really am.
I am seeking my intrinsic self.