yourintrinsicself

Temptation

Obviously = sugar Not obviously = anxiety

Where are you most tempted?

Why do it?

Not because you're capable But because no one is in control Not because you're intelligent For the smartest man in the world knows he knows nothing Not because you're unique Because everyone is special just like you

Death of ego, dance of personality, discovery of soul

First my ego had to die It was a violent death that lasted many years Sometimes hilarious like the Monty Python skit “tis but a scratch!” my ego yelled Other times dark and depressing as the shadow aspects of my ego learned to hid among the corpses of past selves Until I realized that it was my ego who was so intent on killing all aspects of itself so that the best of it could become King And so I learned that the death of my ego had to be a surrender, not a war.

Soon thereafter I began to dance with my personality Watching her spin and transform Letting me lead and learning to celebrate my steps Seducing me slowly and all at once With all that is good and right Plus a few invitations that were neither good nor right But in those moments felt like me I've learned to take a deep breath when my personality takes my hand So I can be sure not to get lost in her many magnificent movements

Somewhere beneath that pile of ego deaths Tip-toe-ing with a flourish above the fray I beg God to be able of discovering my soul Perhaps not all of it at once But just enough for today To carry me through one more death And one more dance Closer to truth

I used to feed on anxieties, But now I drown in tears.

It's not that I wish to revert to the addiction that was metabolism of fear. I'm simply struggling with how to swim in between these waves of sadness.

Childlike Blessings of Adversity

God takes no joy in seeing his children suffer. I don't like watching my 2 year old son cry, either. Yet there are moments where tears point to truths deeper than sadness.

My toddler son cries out in frustration as he learns to tie his shoe. He whines when he doesn't get both halves of the cookie. Maybe it's a hard lesson to learn that only half the cookie is for him. Perhaps he is lamenting the loss of a world where he is taken care of by others. It must be hard to transform oneself from a helpless baby into a little boy on the way to becoming a mature man who can care for himself. No wonder there are tears along the way.

I'm much older than my 2 year old son. I tie my own shoes and know how to share cookies. It takes a lot more to make me cry. My tears come when I'm at my limits. I weep when loved ones die. I cry out when I am unseen. Feeling discarded by the world around me.

I pray that these moments of adversity lead to opportunities for transformative repentance. Not “I'm sorry I won't do that again” But “Please forgive me. What do I need to change about myself to learn and grow through this pain?” Maybe my 2 year old and I have more in common than I realize.

Where might you discover your childlike nature in the face of adversity? How might God be inviting you out of your suffering toward transformation & truth?

God's Love on Earth

God's love is abundant and unconditional. My ability to receive it is consistently far less than what is offered. My role of sharing it in this world is often awkward. Yet my stewardship of Divine love & truth is growing. Growing in wisdom more so than intelligence. Prayerfully learning to welcome the moments where my understanding falls apart. Leaning into the fear that can feel overwhelming. Dedicated to a willingness to see parts of myself crucified, let go of attachments, and be refined by spiritual fire. Discovering that my faith leads me through the fear, beyond my understanding, into a place of transformation. Through repentance and submission to His will over my own moment to moment, I continue to seek truth.

Where might God be calling you to a truth where fear might be in the way?

Two steps ahead Is actually ten steps behind If no one is following you

Where are you leading without relationship?

Quantum entanglement of pessimism and optimism

It would seem that in order to be negative over time on a certain topic one must maintain some belief that it ought to be better. A person who complains often about their work must implicitly imagine and desire a preferable job. Anyone who wakes up each day with negative thoughts about their home must have some vision for another place to live. Someone who persistently dislikes their state of affairs would certainly prefer another way of being. Negativity may be tied to a desire as much it is to a disappointment. What is bothering you today and where is your hidden dream for something better?

Salvation leads to Peace leads to Relationship leads to Right mindset leads to Faith leads to Purpose leads to Right action leads to Dynamic identity leads to Transformation leads to Truth

Enough or not enough? More than enough

For many years I lived under an illusion that I was not enough So I drove myself to succeed where I could (and more quietly to avoid the situations where I wasn't sure I could succeed, but perhaps that's another story...) Eventually my perfectionist protective performance provided potential proof that I was enough compared to others. “Hell yeah!” I said quietly to myself from time to time But there was no proof. Because it wasn't true. Comparison is not a pathway to sufficiency or acceptance The old saying turns out to be true: Comparison remains the thief of joy.

For a few years there I lived under an illusion that I was enough. So I relied on my gifts and abilities. I tracked my accomplishments, Stacking them high enough that I can't see them all at once. Doing good and being good. Making the world a better place. “Hooray!” And then the ironic discovery came My external validation of being enough was sustenance for a hungry ghost My insecure ego, fearing desperately the possibility of not being enough for even a moment, was addicted to a buffet of validation and accomplishment Eating too fast to even taste. How could I feel so full and be so empty?

Clearly not by my own decisions or actions Probably not even by my own mindset or disposition I have learned that I can feel enough, and I am enough But not on my own. I am enough in the eyes of the Holy Spirit. Special just like every other child of God. A joke that used to make me laugh with insecurity Now makes me cry with joy. Lamenting the life lived within an illusion of solitude Embracing the gift of union with a loving Creator Hallelujah! I don't have to be enough because my Savior was, is, and always will be More than enough