Life is constantly changing.
I am slightly gaining and losing weight.
My feelings change from moment to moment.
Somehow there is a pattern to it all on the surface that I call myself.
I don't fear change when I can see it.
If I can see the change then I know it's not me that is changing.
But what do I do when change threatens the patterns that I call myself?
The rate of change in my life becomes so strong that I can not avoid transformation.
Terrifying! The patterns I called myself are changing... is part of me dying?
As I struggle through the transformation, there is a deep sadness and pain in letting go of what used to be.
I grief the loss of a life I thought I would have, even if I no longer want it.
Perhaps this is because I am afraid of the pattern changing.
On the surface I fear that transforming my self means that part of me will be lost forever to a sort of death.
I breathe in, realizing that parts of me die and are reborn each and every day.
I take a closer look and see that that the surface pattern I called self is but a facade.
There is a deeper me, far beneath patterns of behavior and desire.
That instrinsic self, that true and faithful me, is unwavering.
Layers of surface and patterned self are slowly and painfully removed, making way for the part of me that knows God.
Yesterday you were you, and tomorrow you will be too.
Each day may feel the same, or each day may feel completely different.
Somehow you are you.
You have some identity, a truth, a being that does not go away.
Your doing can not undo this being.
On the cellular level your body sheds and regrows, from the neurons in your brain to the skin on your flesh.
And yet you are still you.
Food that you eat gets transformed into your energy, muscle, fat, and waste.
For a moment it is part of you, and then it is gone.
Air passes through your lungs.
For a moment it is part of you, and then it is gone.
Breathing in, you know who you are.
Even if just for a moment.
What is self?
Is it how I see myself, or how I am seen?
Could it be the sum total of my thoughts, feelings, desires and fears?
It is an illusion?
I believe that intrinsic self is the truth you and I have inside of us.
It was placed there before we had words by a higher power.
You might call it Spirit or the Universe or God.
This intrinsic self is unconditional, natural, and pure.
In our surface-level society we don't spend much time with the intrinsic self.
Our truth is often buried beneath stories, identities, masks, and behavior.
I can be very honest and vulnerable without coming close to my intrinsic self.
These days I am learning to be more honest and more vulnerable than ever by seeking the truth beneath the truth of who I really am.
Letting go of story and mythology, I am finding my faith and my conviction.
I am finding out who I really am.
I am seeking my intrinsic self.