yourintrinsicself

Key means of Truth seeking -Curiosity and faith -First principals -3rd person perspective -Consequential thinking -Prayerful discernment -Wise relationships -Saving the appearances -Looking into/beyond the veil

I was.

I was insecure in my willingness to commit  Because I got hurt so badly Because I doubted in one moment more than any other There might be no match for me

I was terrified of being absorbed into someone else's life It felt safer to seek relationships that didn't quite work, Allowing a sense of safety, maybe even a renewed feeling of control over my own life Then again maybe my standards were high because I was resolved not to settle Probably both

I moved further from authentic emotional experience into abstractions of reality A sort of manufactured emotional pornography  Further from nature, gender, truth, and faith Attempting yet again to leave the garden of Eden

I feared acceptance Terrified of disappearing Needing to hide again to survive As I woke up each day in someone else's story

I was. Were you?

Big feelings

If inside I am boiling, but I need to avoid boiling over for the sake of goodness, what's the best path forward in the moment? Afterward?

Over time would an over- or under-attentiveness to emotions become an addiction and thought pattern of its own?

God, please help me to acknowledge the truth of emotions that point in the direction of your larger and greater truth. Deliver me from becoming addicted to the highs and/or lows of intense emotions, that I might rest in the greater truth in between. Show me when it's time to express and when it's time to practice restraint. Come Holy Spirit!

How do you handle big feelings?

Saying it without saying it

I like you I really like you I like you more than a friend I really really like you infinity times infinity to the moon and back and more I love how you make me feel I love who you are I love so many things about you I adore you I have to pinch myself Are you real? You send me songs that make me cry and laugh You remind me that life is meant to be celebrated You elicit profound feelings of love in my life You are a total babe You have brilliant intelligence and stunning wisdom You see me so deeply and compassionately that it makes it easier to love myself You are a source of light and joy You are an answered prayer You are the one for me I am falling in love I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you I didn't think it possible for someone like you to exist I am enamored with your heart and spirit I look forward to when we say “I love you” instead of “bye” I want to share everything with you I admire your agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness Imagining a life with you warms my soul Being with you makes me smile from the inside out ...I love you!

When are you saying it without saying it?

Rest and Digest

Digesting reality with the opportunity and adversity therein Discovering what is authentic and what is fake Discerning between shallow patterns and deep truth Don't spit out your own calling! If you don't digest it, then into the zeitgeist it goes Dig your own hole if you need to Pocket it with your cheeks if you wish Just don't make the rest of us digest your calling, because you didn't digest it properly yourself We're here to help and love you, but not to do your work for you Facts or feelings, its all part of the process Take your time

Where are you being called to rest and digest?

GO. Stop. GO. Stop... Stop!

Ever heard of interval training? It's a great way to train your cardiovascular system. Sprint, rest, sprint, rest, etc.

Turns out it might not be the best way to life. A growing awareness of my tendency to perform in intervals is creating an opportunity to live differently.

Energetically, relationally, professionally, intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually: I am now praying for more of a steady state throughout my life.

A phrase that comes to mind is “spread the butter”. I tend to prefer dipping my bread in olive oil, but I still appreciate the value of bread with well-distributed butter from crust to crust.

Where in your life is your energy concentrated when it might benefit from being spread out?

Why, God?

Why do I wonder? Is it because I never know you fully? Why is there water? Is it to show me how to thirst for you? Why do I wander? Is it because you're both here and there for me to discover? Why is there wind? Is it to show me there can be energy without form? Why do I waver? Is it because my understanding is imperfect compared to yours? Why did I come from a womb? Is it a metaphor for your creation within yourself?

Why do I cling to the blade that penetrates me? Perhaps to be sure it doesn't move anymore than it has. That the amount of damage I have sustained is hopefully just the right amount. That one more inch would destroy everything. That if I just stay right here forever I might be suffering, but I will survive. That my survival in this circumstance is preferable over the risk of something else. How could I afford to risk something else when I'm already so wounded? I better cling tighter, until I am ready to let go.

What are you holding on to? Is it time to let go?

Moments and Memory-making

The most painful moments of my life have occurred in the last few years. So painful that they have reconnected me to my deepest childhood difficulties.

Perhaps it is all for the greater good. I pray that I might use the invitation of my current suffering to finally process buried suffering once and for all.

It isn't a conscious choice, but I've wondered lately... Am I avoiding making new memories and moments because I'm afraid that they will be painful? Perhaps I am. This awareness provides a pathway to change and freedom.

When it is time I will be making moments and memories with more joy than ever. I want this to be soon, but I am learning that patience is the way forward.

Where are you shying away from life because you've been hurt?

Goodbye Depression

Fare thee well my shadowy friend I will forever recollect Never fully remembering The bizarre blanket of helplessness held around my heart

I am leaving now. Thank you for this mysterious wisdom Not lessons. Not knowledge. Not growth harvested from above ground Wisdom. From deep beneath the surface Everything looks different from the bottom of the well

There was gold hidden in the darkness Each time I caught a glimpse it seemed to vanish Until I realized it was becoming a part of me Because it was beauty intended for me, yet hidden within me.

My roots look inward and upward, discovering branches and leaves. My stuck sadness begins to flow Breaking free from broken freedom As grief gives away it's precious child at the alter My tears have become rain. Thank you, old friend. Godspeed.